


Agoraphobia

by Cryigen



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Developing Relationship, Emotionally Repressed, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-30
Updated: 2015-12-30
Packaged: 2018-05-10 07:41:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5577064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cryigen/pseuds/Cryigen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>- Agoraphobia -<br/>Rapid heart rate<br/>Excessive sweating<br/>Trouble breathing<br/>Feeling shaky, numb or tingling<br/>Chest pain or pressure<br/>Lightheadedness or dizziness<br/>Sudden flushing or chills<br/>Upset stomach or diarrhea<br/>Feeling a loss of control<br/>Fear of dying</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Bokuto ran out of the gymnasium abruptly, hiding his blush under the palm of his hand. Unable to think he wandered around the yard until he had reached a tree. Deeply irritated by the pounding of his heart he catched a deep breath and finally sat down.

He had felt the smoothness of Akashis hair between his fingertips and his nose still retained the sweet, lightly herbe scent of sweat as he pictured out the experienced situation. The grey, greenish eyes had looked kinda confused and hectic, focusing on Bokutos shown skin. Akaashis fingers had touched his stomach and he still remembered the soft skin of the other. His heart went crazy, screaming and yearning for another touch. Hearing the moans again and the small weight lying on his body. His veins were filled with pleasure and desire, filled with excitement and insecurity. He ran out of breath and his muscles contracted, triggering a sharp pain through the body. He lay down. Feeling the tickling grass poking his back and stared at the clear, deep blue sky. As they both had collided, Bokutos senses went numb and his head were filled with overwhelming emotions.

Heartbeats rapidly. A dazzling and endless piece of heaven. A dream and nightmare at the same time and the worst scenario Bokuto could had ever imagined.

He wanted to let go of his emotions, let go of Akaashi and his dream to become happy, without the other to notice his feelings. He wanted his normal life to continue and not screwing the proper relationship they both had builded up the past two years. But now, Bokuto had felt the pressure of his desire to touch Akaashi. To kiss and embrace him and with that to go one another step. But now he was lost, lost in all the lies he had believed in . The false excuses with which he had allowed himself to be together with Akaashi. All he had wanted was to continue staying by his side, winning matches and enjoying the time they had yet to experience. And of course the victory and with that the guarantee to carry on their wishes and goals.

But now all that was left were his overwhelming desire of touching Akaashi. To repeat the experienced skin contact and the sharp, still gently eyes only focusing on Bokuto and his body embracing the other.

He felt hot, sensitive and dizzy. All the thinking had made him sleepy, looking forward to a perfect and still slowly fading dream as he reached out his fingertips, grabbing the warmth of the sun. Feeling the wind lightly tickling his bare skin and flowing through his clothes, cooling down the blood, he closed the eyes and slowly started to wander of into a world were he could be honest to himself, wishing to achieve the goals, love had decided him to yearn for.

Unwillingly letting go of the chaos he had left behind, the worries of his teammates and the surpised expression on Akaashis face as he had jumped out the hall, running away from the unreal situation he had been in.

As he lay there in the warmth of the sun, he slowly started to cool down and feeling comfortable again. After beeing able to think clearly he regretted his suddenly rush out of the gym, leaving the confused Akaashi behind. It wasn't like him at all. He had never the urge of hiding something from his teammates, besides the feelings towards Akaashi. Still with that, he had never dissimulated him or excused it, he weren't even in a situation which would demand it. More over there were nothing he could do about it, so he had just went on with his normal life and of course, until today, it had never damaged the team spirit. But now he was confronted with the burden his emotions had instructed him.How should he explain the topic, if he couldn't even stand the idea of confessing to Akaashi? He hoped that the turn out of the whole situation wouldn't require a statement, that he could just excuse it with a sickness or something like that. He would love to continue the lies, if it just could preserve him from being found out. Their friendship would be dishonered. Akaashis impression of him would turn out worse and worse and that he clearly wouldn't overcome. Even if Bokuto were more Kouhei than Senpai for Akaashi, imagening the disappointment in his under classmans eyes would hurt him more than anything in the world could ever do.

''Just shut up with your whining Bokuto!'' He slapped himself as he stood up.

''What kinda man are ya?! Gettin all depressed over a matter like this.'' He started to shake the gloomy mood of his body and stretched his limbs through the cool wind. He was sure about the way he would interact with his emotions. Just being cheerful like always, cheeky as always and coming back to his true, cool kind of acting. His bones cracked has he bowed back and forth in order to stand strong again. Picking leaves out of his hair and fixing his kneepats.

''I ain't a crybaby or a looser. I'm awesome.'' He reassured himself as he checked the clock. ''Still twenty minutes remaining for practice.'' The cool wind were stinging in his eyes as he started running back to the gym, until he stood still abruptly.

 _Shit_.

Tears were flowing out of the glassy, confused looking eyes. Pain were leaking out of his heart as he grabbed his chest.

''Why? Why does it hurt so much?!'' He fell on his knees as his body crooked up, clenching his fists in anger and pain. Sobbing like a baby, Bokuto tumbled on the floor and fell into a cold, deep and black hole.

 

_You're sick._

_What kind of captain are you? Watching us with those greedy eyes._

_Bokuto-san I'm deeply disappointed._

_I thought of you as a friend whom I could trust._

_Since when were you like that? We can't play volleyball with you anymore._

_How about leaving us alone you pervert._

_Bokuto-san you're disgusting._

_Disgusting. Disgusting. Disgusting. Disgusting._

 

''No! You've got it all wrong. I ain't like that!''

 

_Disgusting. Disgusting. Disgusting. Disgusting._

_Bokuto-san you're disgusting._

_Bokuto-san-_

_Bokuto-san-_

_Bokuto-san- ..._

 

''Bokuto-san!''

''Nooo! Leave me alone!'' He crooked tighter.

''Bokuto-san you're sweating! Grab a towel and a cool bottle of water Tatsuki-san.''

 

_Disgusting. Disgusting. Disgusting. Disgusting._

 

''Okay, now lift him up. Bokuto-san you've got a panic attack. Please breathe deeply in and out.'' His eyes were still closed as he felt the warmth of someone elses hands. Shivering and crying, he felt like he had lost grip of the world.

_Disgusting. Disgusting. Disgusting. Disgusting._

 

''Akaashi-san there were only Pocari left. Is it okay? Here's the towel you've asked for.''

''Yes it's alright, thank you Tatsuki-san.''

Bokuto were lifted up and he felt the cool drops of a wet towel on his head. Fingers were touching his lips, opening his mouth and letting small sips of cold liquid running down his throat. His lungs widened in refreshment and he gasped as they were able to catch a breath again. He tried to open his eyes. Still he could only see the distorted darkness infront of him. It started again.

''Bokuto-san, it's me Akaashi. Please come back to your mind.''

He heared the muffled voice of Akaashi in the distance. He tried to get a grip, really, but there were no light at the end of the tunnel. There were only a pitch black darkness holding on to him. Dragging his body deeper and deeper in the abyss.

''Akaashi-san what should we do? This isn't a simple panic attack.''

''You're right Yamato-san. We should call the nurse. Please look out for her.''

The voices were drifting further and further away as the pain started to run through his body again, forcing him to descend further in the dephts. He was shrieking and whining, as the pain threatened to tear him apart. There was no air to breathe so his lungs were cramping and his body felt like it was torn apart. It was so cold, why was it so cold? Leying down in shiver, the darkness devoured him.

 

_What a piece of trash._

_Die already!_

_You're creeping me out Bokuto-san._

_What are you crying for? You were the one who ripped our team apart!_

 

''I didn't meant to!

Please stop it. Stop the pain! Let me die, please let me die!''

 

 

_You're disgusting Bokuto-san._

_Serves you right._

 

He was panting. Clenching his legs and shivering in the cold, lightless descent. Suffocating in rigidity. Not able to catch just one clear thought unless the wish to die.

''Let me die already!'' He yelled in torment.

''Did you hear that Akaashi-san? What the hell is wrong with him?!''

''Please calm down Tatsuki-san! Yamato-san did you find the nurse?''

''No, but I called the ambulance.''

''Thanks for that. Bokuto-san can you hear me? Bokuto-san! You aren't going to die but please calm down a little.

Bokuto-san! ... Oh shit. Bokuto-san!'' Akaashis voice started to tremble. ''Bokuto-san please! Please don't die!''

''Akaashi-san calm down. The ambulance will be here in no time!''

''Bokuto-san can you hear me? Please answer! Bokuto-san!''

''Akaashi-san-''

''Please Bokuto. Bokuto …''

''Shit. Akaashi-san calm down! Get him away from Bokuto. Calm down!''

''Bokuto … please. Oh my god. Bokuto...''

 

Bokuto wrenched in pain. He felt like throwing up, but his stomach tugged him deeper on the drizzly ground. The agony grew higher and higher and every single second felt like a hour full of broken glass cutting through his body, ripping his limbs apart. Scraping like a monster on a kids door. Tagging along nightmares and fears he couldn't dreamed of. A crooking sound ran through the emptiness, causing Bokutos ears to ache. The tone went on until-

Than, everything went numb. The pain, the torment and the iciness all faded away in the haze which sorrounded Bokuto. Leaving him behind, unable to move in his damaged body. Alone with a shattered heart, incapable to collect the broken pieces of his soul.

And he let go, leaving a unfinished puzzle on the dark, cold ground. Descending deeper into a place, which showed single sparkles of a familiar warmth.

A weak shimmer of light crossing the darkness and leading Bokuto towards the long awaited ending of the tunnel and washing away all the pain he had felt. Guiding him out of the abyss and at the center of the warmth, Bokuto recognized a familiar silhouette stretching out its hand and whispering a gentle welcome.

His lips frizzled up to a weary grin.

''Akaashi...''


	2. Chapter 2

''Akaashi...''

 

As he woke up, sunlight distributed around his duvet. Filling his bed with a soft warmth and relaxing his tense muscles. Emphasizing small dust particles flowing playful through the air. The dreamy scenario made him lift a worn out grin, as he slowly realized that he could lift his limbs again. Stretching his fingers and watching the warm sunlight leaking through them was kinda soothing for him. He made a sleepy grumble, gathering all his strenght to sit up and feeling his numb body again.

The memories of the traumathizing experience were all mixed up and started to slowly fade away, as he tried to recall it. It all seemed so unreal, but still he could hear the voices which had escorted him through the nightmare and his mind started to blur again as he remembered the hurt they had caused him. Wishing he would never experience that thing again. And still there was one question left. Was he dead? Could he had been guided out of hell towards a more beautiful and pleasant place?

And than his mind slowly started to clear up. The thoughts which had held him in a isolated state started to take place in a more specific order. Made him let go of the horrfying memories he had held on and vanished into a clean understanding of his situation. He gathered the pieces and connected them into a unified whole. He wasn't dead. He found himself lying in a hospital bed surrounded by peeping machines and bouquets, which were gathered around him. The sunlight were leaking through a thin white curttain and like this the thick and heavy one lifted from his mind.

He took of the duvet and wanted to stood up, looking outside the window to reassure himself that he escaped the nightmare he had been in. But his try was hindered by a sharp pain crossing his left leg, stitching his muscles and urging him to lay down again. The pain recalled the memories, being unable to move and stock in a place he couldn't left.

As his pulse went up, in a raging almost crazy race of mind and emotions, he felt a small weight lying on his side. Slowly settling down he turned his head, catching a deep breath as he found Akaashis head leaning on his bed.

The black, curly hair was moving lightly as Akaashis head whipped up and down while breathing. Bokuto stared at the nervous looking face of the other. Akaashi seemed exhausted. Dark brown circles around the closed, still beautiful and gentle looking eyes. His eyelashes were sticking together and Bokuto slowly realized the dry tears adhere at Akaashis cheeks, expressing a sadness which he couldn't clearly assign.

Unsure of what he should do, he just sat there and stared at his under classman, filled with worries and helplessness at the same time. He remembered the feeling of Akaashis hair through his fingertips and slowly stretched out his hands, stroking gently through the hair of the other. The smoothness relaxed him. Being able to cool down after a long lasting nightmare and he found himself feeling comfortable the first time ever since. It was a precious moment for him. Somehow endless and with that gesture he expressed his very true feelings, being honest with himself and his emotions. His worries were blown away together with all the uneasiness he had felt.

A light snore escaped Akaashis mouth and he was slowly, softly scratching his nose as his facial expression changed from worried to relaxed. His charming lips performed a light smile, together with one single tear quietly flowing down his cheeks.

Bokuto started to blush as he whitnessed the picture. He gently whiped away the tears and stroke over Akaashis face. Feeling the warm and smooth skin made himself feeling peaceful. The sunlight slowly started to lighten the picture, triggering a somehow romantic athmosphere.

Bokuto flinched as Akaashis hand touched his, crossing their fingers and sending sparks through Bokutos body. All the anxieties were gone and he focused only on the boy, laying to his right.

''Bokuto-san...'' Akaashi mumbled, still in sleep.

''It's alright now. I'm okay.'' He strenghten the grip and lifted his other hand to stroke through Akaashis hair again.

He wanted to extend the moment, wiping of all Akaashis worries so he could had trust in him again.

Looking at the others face, it felt so surreal. Laying in a bed, holding hands and being able to watch him, being near to him. All he had ever wanted, but still couldn't get to achieve. Leaving all his fears behind and whiping of the guilt he had felt for so long. That was what had made him sick. Escaping reality through false emotions, lame excuses which had allowed him to stay by Akaashis side. Putting the potentional reaction of his team as a pretext to avoid his own insecurity. To avoid the conflict in which he had been stucked for over one year now. Not only being unable to let go of his feelings towards his friend, but more like pushing himself into a position he wasn't capable of.

_Diggin my own grave._

Akaashi lifted his head and stared at Bokuto in confusion. As he understood the situation Bokuto loosened the grip of Akaashis hand and shrunk back. A stitching pain went through his body as he remembered his left leg, which was clearly not okay.

 

''Ouch, ouch, ouch.'' He stammered, realizing the large bandage covering his whole body for the first time.

Akaashi stood up hectically, reaching out for a small button connected to Bokutos infusion. After pressing the button he looked relieved and worried at the same time, staring at Bokuto like he was a fragile piece of paper.

Bokuto himself was inspecting the leg and the rest of his body, unsure if the pain were present from the start or if he had only realised it by now.

 

''I called the doctor.'' Akaashi mumbled sleepy. ''He told me to do so. Well I was here since the first day you were hospitalized.'' He stood there, looking all worn-out and worried. Bokuto was staring at him, at his elegant stature. The glassy, gentle eyes. The light brown skin and the lightly messy hair, rolling up to cute curles at its tips.

 

''Your leg-'' Akaashi interrupted his thoughts, ''it's broken. Well more like, you broke it yourself. There are serveral scratches on your back too.'' He lightly teared up. ''You- You were having a panic attack, a serious one I mean. I- We found you in the yard'', tears were flowing out of his eyes, ''and you were just laying there, all crooked up. A bizarre picture.'' He whiped his tears. ''And I couldn't do anything, you weren't there. Not mentally I mean. All you did was shrieking and crying. And then-'' he bursted out in tears, ''you started to hurt yourself. Scratching your body and you crooked so hard that you broke your own leg. Oh my god Bokuto I... I didn't know what to do. I felt so helpless.''

 

As he watched Akaashi loosing all his calm, bursting out into tears Bokutos heart was torn apart. Only heavy, big tears were flowing out of his eyes, wetting his whole face. He was deeply hurt by what he had just heard. Seeing all the pain and worries he had caused made him feel sick.

''I'm so sorry Akaashi. I'm so sorry.'' He leaned forward and grabbed the small shoulders of the other. Pulling him to his chest and embracing him, with all the strenght he had left in his body. Feeling Akaashi shivering as he returned the gesture. His hands were trembling, pulling Bokuto closer. His hair tickled and the well known scent rose into his nose, spreading a warmth through his veins he hasn't experienced in his whole life.

 

''You lay there Bokuto and I couldn't do a thing about it. All my reassurings I had given you, the promises we had made. I wanted to never let you down, but still I failed-'' Bokuto hastly interrupted Akaashi for blaming himself. His beautiful eyes were looking sad and guilty, trembling in anxiety. His hands were loning for security, for Bokuto to reassure him that everything was alright now. Not wanting to let go of each other as they both embraced the others body in emotionally strenght. A metaphor for all they went through.

 

''Shut up you Idiot. What are ya talkin about? You were the only thing that-''

Bokuto stopped his confession as he suddenly pushed away Akaashi, grabbing his chest. Feeling the so farmiliar pain again, leaking through his body. Robbing the air to breathe. He fell on his knees, yelling in confusion. Slowly repressing the outer world, the happiness he had felt since a moment ago.

Like a gigantic monster stretching out its claws for Bokuto, the darkness overcame him once more. His sight went blurry, no noises. Only Bokutos screams in torture. His body felt like every single bone was broken. Every faith he had was swapped away, into a black ocean full of mist and grimaces laughing at him and his insecurity.

 

_What were you thinking? Akaashi loving you?_

_You're so silly Bokuto-san._

_How could he love you?_

_You're a disgusting pervert._

 

''Stop it! I'm not disgusting!''

 

_How naive._

_Everything about you is disgusting._

_What were you hoping for?_

_Naive._

_So naive._

_Go down in your sickness._

_Die._

_Disgusting piece of trash._

_Dusgusting. Disgusting. Disgusting._

 

''I get it. Just leave me alone already!''

 

The cramps went more intense, causing his body to ache. Laying down in that horrifying place, feeling evry single sparkle of hapiness flowing out of his body. Merging into a dark grey, dirty lump of mockery. How could he really has believed in this illusion? All the lies he had told by now, all the false excuses he had made, leading him into a plice of living hell. He lay there, like a disgusting piece of trash. Excactly like they had told him. Not worth a shit and even unable to understand his own mind. Evolving into a creature, which slowly devoured him, him and his last piece of hope.

A heavy, dark curtain enveloped him, pressing his damaged body onto the cold, rough ground. Stealing the last shimmer of light.

 

''Akaashi...'' He mumbled, in dense numbness. Stretching his fingers out with the last strenght he could bring up.

Wishing to gain one single spark of the warmth, leading him back into reality. But still he were alone in the dark, alone with the pain and torture he had went through. Leaving his volition slowly behind, without beeing able to catch one last sight of the charisma which had determined him. Him as a living person.

He gave up. Letting go of everything. Relaxing his aching body and simply laying there, he pictured the only thing he couldn't forget yet.

Akaashis gentle and beautiful eyes. The thin curly lips, performing a soft welcome and the soft skin of his fingers, pulling him into a new, peaceful world.

''Akaashi...'' The last word his lips could perform. And with that all his senses went black.

 

''Bokuto. Oy my god Bokuto come back. Don't leave me alone in this world.''

 

He opened his eyes, startled from the bright sunlight dazzling his sight. He felt tears dropping on his face and stroke over the soft,warm hand grabbing his cheeks. The gentle grey, greenish eyes were fullfilled with fear and desperation. The lips trembling. Bokutos head gently laying down on Akaashis lab and the warmth came back to his exhausted muscles. The blood went through his veins again and finally he could let go of all the darkness, which had took place in his heart. Slowly devouring him.

Now the only thing Bokuto was aware of were his feelings for Akaashi. Akaashi who had lead him out of hell once more. Akaashi who had brought him peace and warmth and so many beautiful emotions in on single second. Making his body to forget about everything it went through. Forget about the torture, the pain and the torment. The mocking voices, limitting Bokutos mind. Forget about all the misery.

 

''Thank you.'' His lips were trembling as he slowly started to tear up. Reaching out for Akaashis face and gently stroking over his cheeks, whiping away his tears and sadness.

Akaashi smiled in anxiety, grabbing Bokutos hand and crossing fingers. Sending out a such beautiful and warm light, which even the deepest darkness wouldn't dare to touch.

 

''Akaashi you're my light when the darkness is devouring me. You're the one who relieved me from hell.'' He smiled as he saw Akaashi lightly blush, performing a relieved grin and whiping away more tears.

 

''I love you.''

 

He sat up strained, pulling Akaashis face near. Looking up once more in those beautiful, now fluttered eyes, focusing only on Bokutos lips, which were slowly closing up. As both lips were touching, sparkles ran through Bokutos body, triggering such a reassuring delight. The love he had felt until now were transmitted through a beautiful, gentle kiss. Infecting Bokuto with a enourmos excitement, giving him so much strenght. Replacing the pain with pleasure. They both started to embrace each other, touching and stroking. Both hearts were connected through a deep, stable bond.

 

''I love you too, Bokuto.''

 


End file.
